Slidawg & the Redneck Ramblers

09.28.08

Slidawg's Top 10 List About Chicks

First thing right out of the barrel you gotta understand is that the women folk are totally in control of any and all situations. No need to fight it cause you ain't got a chance in H E double toothpicks...Chicks are in charge.
Always let your woman go through the door first and hold it for her. Even Ms. Pat Dickson down the street who is always shoutin' bout women power and always has better looking female dates than I do around her, appreciates someone holding a door for her cause she says it ain't sayin' that she's weak but rather saying Men should always follow the women folk.
Now lets say your sittin' down at Boo's Chicken House fer dinner and yer lady walks in to sit down at your table (like that is ever gonna happen, but hey stay positive and be prepared it might happen one day). Anyway, if it does happen get your fat butt up in a hurry and don't sit there guardin' the basket of fried pickles like a mama wolverine hovering her youngun's, stand up tall, chest out, get the nasty napkin out of your shirt collar and welcome her to the table. Ask what she wants to wet her whistle and get the garcon over to get this lady a drink.
Now the first thing to do is get her name and then try to mumble your own name in a way that is understandable. Also let's stick with your real name, she ain't wanting to know what your high school nickname that was given to you because of the length of one of your male body parts. Then don't ask her age. Never ever never guess a woman's weight. Never even talk about weight with her, and for God's sake don't ever ask a woman when her young'un is due, most likely what might looks like a baby is a result of her havin one too many dinners at the Golden Corral buffet.
Now if she asks for some of them pickles or a roll, never pass a woman a single roll, even if she says, "Just pass me one" Don't Don't do it...it is a trap.... hand her over the whole basket. Some things are a trick. If you hand her one instead of the basket, you just failed one of many tests set before you. She will later call a girlfriend on the phone and say, "I asked him to pass a single roll. And he did!" It's a trap they are baitin' for ya...don't fall in it...hand her the whole basket.
Now when the waitress comes over to get yer order, don't talk to the waitress and call her any names of endearment like hottie, ms trixie, hot thang, sweet pants or anything else. The safest thing to do is always look your woman in the eye even while talking to the other woman, or else you are quickly flirtin' with gettin' your shin kicked just above the height of your steel toe cabella boots, "woman know how high they come up, they are born with that knowledge. And don't ever order for her. Who are these goofball guys that order for a woman? You're going to tell her what to eat? Never ever never tell a woman anything. Ask her. And be God fearin' grateful for whatever reply you might get from her.
Now after ordering comes the tricky part. Conversation...let me say that again slowly...con..ver..sa..tion. That means talkin and danged if I knowed why woman like to do this so much...there just ain't that much to talk about once you get past the Nascar standings and the roller derby show from the night before. The best thing to do is listen. However there's ways to listening, here's your hint: If they're talking, shut up. Just shut up.
Now if you are sittin by her purse and she asks you to get her something out of her purse, don't do it. It is another one of those tests. Don't look in a woman's purse even if she tells you to. Especially if she tells you to. Just refuse. Hand her purse to her, don't go fishin' round in there. You don't know what's in there, and you don't want to know.
Now her idea of this whole date thing is that you'd be like John Wayne or Ricky Bobby, in a movie scene like walking down the street, opening doors, and a light breeze blows back her hair just a little to fluff the sides while you help her slip into a nice clean 4 wheel drive black muddin truck. But if your like me I'm more like Goober. I step on her heel and almost knock her over. That kind of stuff happens a lot to me.
Now after the date routine: (if you want to score on your next date that is)
In todays world of modern handy gadgetry, what constitutes a good post date note? Being able to send off a text message has become totally acceptable and the sooner you do it the better. Within 20 seconds of closing the door to her trailer and drivin' down the dirt road pull over and send her a text that says "you are sweeter than boones farm wine", or something classy like "your back porch swing makes my fence post spring" Clever rhymes always work with the woman folk.

Good luck fellow slidawgs! And as always ladies, go green, "Save A Truck, Ride a Redneck"

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